Second Baby Insecurities

Disclaimer: For those of you who are mothers, I hope you see the humor in this post. For those of you who are not mothers and are women, please do not read this post unless you think you might never want children of your own. Men-- just skip this post.

"I would do this all over again for you... but not for a little brother or sister," I said to Rocco minutes after he was born.

Well... I guess I'm a liar.

There are lots of aspects of being pregnant for the second time that make me feel more confident and prepared. I was fully expecting the typical pregnancy symptoms. I am prepared this time for the excruciating duty of childbirth. I am prepared for a long labor and painful delivery. I won't be scared away from Pitocin. I know the difference between "I think I'm in labor?" and "Oh, shit... I'm in labor!" I have experienced my mucous plug falling out. I know the difference between lots of pee and water breaking. I'm prepared for an episiotomy and the stitches. I know what to expect with breast feeding. I know that I can sleep while the baby is sleeping-- that if I don't keep an eye on the baby every second of their newborn existence, they will be alright. They make sensor machines for that. I am prepared for the sleepless nights and the magnitude of change that comes with having a newborn in the house.

What I was not prepared for was the sadness and guilt associated with welcoming a second child into the family. Don't get me wrong-- I am already in love with Ruby. I am over-the-moon happy that I will have another child in the very near future. Please don't misunderstand my feelings.

I am feeling sad for Rocco. Todd and I have absolutely revolved our lives around Rocco since the day we found out he was conceived. He is the absolute center of our universe. I am sad that he will be forced-- no choice of his own-- to divide his time with Todd and I once Ruby comes into the picture. His needs will be met after Ruby's because he is older and more capable of waiting. This just doesn't seem fair, though. I mean, we're asking a lot of him and didn't give him any choice in the matter. I can totally see where older siblings might resent their younger siblings! I feel guilty for being selfish. In a sense, I'm selfish for wanting another child. Rocco brought me so much joy that I wanted the experience that joy multiplied. My rationale for a long time was that I loved Rocco so much that I wanted to give him a sibling. I do stand by this rationale-- I think that, in the end, Rocco will be happy to have a sibling. But, man, I have to assume that there undoubtedly will be times when he resents us a bit for bringing a little sibling into the mix-- let alone, a little sister.

To make light of the situation, Todd (a second child) says, "I feel worse for Ruby. She will never experience what it's like to be an only child... ever..." which makes me laugh because he somehow magically morphs into the little boy I see in the family videos and in the photographs. Pout and all. (Stephanie, if you are reading this, he is joking! And, believe me, I'm sure you got him back throughout childhood-- does this ring a bell? "Here, Todd, hold this pillow over your face and let me punch it..." or what about the sniper hole in front of the shed out back you dug.) He also makes sure to point out how much I have started spoiling Rocco once these feelings of sadness and guilt started coming on strong. I mean, what toddler gets baked goods on an almost daily basis? I know I always feel better with a cupcake in front of me.

I know that most of these feelings are the result of crazy hormones surging through my body. And, in my defense, if I didn't love Rocco as much as I do, I wouldn't even be considering his feelings about this matter. I know that this is a normal feeling-- many women have graciously shared their truthful words about their experiences with these same emotions and what happened once the second child was born. For that, I am thankful. I also know that if I wasn't somewhat nervous or scared about this life-changing moment, I would not be taking it as serious as I should.

Most importantly, I know that everything will be just fine. It always is. Actually, it will be better than fine because our family will grow and our hearts will be more capable of love than we ever thought possible-- Rocco's included. (And if he is slow to come around, I'm not too proud to bake.)