Our Kids Come First

My children are horrible travelers until they are about a year old. They hate their infant seats-- and Rocco hated being turned backwards. It is what it is. There's not a lot I can do about it. It makes my life incredibly difficult-- in a number of ways...

First, I'd like to point out the things I have tried in attempts to help make my children better travelers:
 -Making them warmer
-Making them cooler
-Mirrors to see themselves and me
-Toys-- dangling from the straps (illegal, by the way) and loose to manipulate with hands
-Food and drink
-Medication (Tylenol/Advil)
-Singing, music, talking or silence
-Bumpy roads/flat roads
-Binkies
-Windows blocked, windows open
-Padding/no padding

I have asked my pediatrician about what to do. I have read countless articles online seeking solutions. I have asked for advice online on forums. Believe me when I say that I have tried almost everything.

The one thing I refuse to try is the Cry-It-Out Method, which is generally reserved for sleep training, but is essentially the same idea for getting a child to travel extended lengths of time while crying incessantly  For some people, this is the choice they make as parents. I am a huge believer in parents doing what is best for them and their children.

However, I am not in favor for the CIO Method. The following articles describe my reasons:

http://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

http://www.phdinparenting.com/blog/2008/7/5/cry-it-out-cio-10-reasons-why-it-is-not-for-us.html

Some people think that I am choosing not to travel with my children. This is simply not the case. I would love-- LOVE-- for Ruby to decide that traveling was her most favorite thing ever! Sadly, though, this is not the case at this time.

These people do not understand that there are so many times that I would love to be able to pack up my child and head out the door for some kind of an adventure-- shopping, lunch, dinner, etc. Hell, I would love to be able to go to the grocery store and get some basic food items for my family without facing a major meltdown from my child-- and the grocery store is literally 5 minutes away from the house. These people often forget that I have basically been on "house arrest" since November 1st trying to put my child's safety, health, well-being, happiness, and comfort first. It is not fun to be bored at home all day. It is not glamorous to spend all day in sweats. It is not fun to plan out when you can "escape" between nursing in order to run a necessary errand or attend an appointment.

I would love to be able to travel for leisure and pleasure. It would be nice to see my husband's family more often. It would be awesome to not turn down my mother's offer to take us to the coast over spring break (my favorite place) to vacation and spread some of Gramma's ashes... Or on a cruise to Alaska in June to spread my Gramma Fawn's ashes. It would be great to just hop on a plane or in the car and see my Uncle Gilbert in Seattle. I would love to visit my best friend, Katie, in La Grande. Or Beth in Reno. Or the Lantis Family or the Barnett's... who live further than the front yard.

Some people think that my husband and I are choosing not to travel with our children because we are "avoiding his family"... That's clearly not the case, seeing as we have turned down multiple vacations with my family, as well as seeing family members who do not live nearby. We have not gone to visit our friends, whom we adore and think of as family, because it requires a lengthy car ride or plane ride. It's awfully sad that some people think so lowly of us and do not realize that we are merely putting our children's happiness, comfort, and well-being above everything (including our own selfish desires.)

It boggles my mind that some people would try to paint us as bad people for doing what we feel is the absolute best for our kids-- to be happy and comfortable. I would think that instead of being mean, disrespectful, and downright rude to us, you would commend us for being selfless parents.

It might piss some people off-- it might piss you off-- that they are unable to see us or our children whenever they would like or as much as they would like, but the fact of the matter is that we don't care if it pisses people off-- we don't care if it pisses you off-- we care about our kids first and foremost-- above anyone else, including ourselves.

Nothing will change that.

The Set-Up

"If you're f*cking with me, I'm going to kill you," I said as I furiously scribbled my number onto a sheet of paper.

"I'm not f*cking with you!" Doug said, grinning from ear-to-ear.

That grin either meant that he was seriously not messing with me... or that he was about to pull off the most epic practical joke of all time. For those of you who do not know this Doug character I speak of, let me briefly describe him. Doug is loud and thoroughly enjoys playing pranks on people. He's the guy who would ask me, "Did you even brush your hair today? You look like crap" fulling knowing that I had spent hours perfecting my coif for the day. On the other hand, he was the first to split his lunch with me in the teacher's lounge when I was too tired to pack my own, always rooted for the under dog, and was one of the best dads around. Like I said before-- this was either going to be great... or a total disaster. I envisioned him posting my number in each of the boy's restrooms at the middle school and lavishing every minute of me retelling stories of pre-pubescent boys calling me "for a good time."

Doug had been trying to set me up with the cute PE teacher at the high school-- Todd Shaffer-- the entire school year.  In the beginning of the year, I was single-- and casually dating two or three guys. Todd, on the other hand, was with his on-again/off-again girlfriend (I have conveniently nick-named her "The Stripper" for future reference, because it's not nice to use real names.) The timing was off. Then, towards the middle of the school year, when Todd was off-again, I was only dating one of those initial three guys (nick-named "The Rock Star.") Poor Doug just couldn't make it work out despite his best efforts. So, you can imagine his delight when the timing finally was right.

"Hey," Doug loudly whispered to me in the midst of an "all-important" all-staff training that spring, "are you still dating 'The Rock Star'?"

"No," I grinned, knowing where this was going (a week or so before, I had caught the cute PE teacher making eyes at me from across the commons area during parent-teacher conferences. I will admit, I, too, was looking... but I never got caught.. and, yes, I thought he was cute.) I said, "Things didn't work out with him."

"Give me your number!" Doug said, his face lit up like a little kid's on Christmas morning, "He's not dating 'The Stripper' anymore!"

I looked toward our mutual friend, whom I fully trusted, for a little back-up. After much discussion, I reluctantly scribbled down my number and handed it over to Doug. He proclaimed that he was going to find Todd that instant and give it to him. I literally ran out of the training before he had the chance to publicly humiliate me.

xxx

"You better not be f*cking with me," Todd said as Doug handed him the piece of paper with my number on it.

"I'm not f*cking with you! Call her!" Doug replied, "This is really her number!"

xxx

I look like crap. And I smell like wet dog. I am not going out on a first date looking like this............

Oh, what the hell?

I highly doubt this will turn into anything serious. And, if it does, he's going to have to see me looking a whole heck of a lot crappier than this.

"I'll meet you there in ten minutes," I said. I stood at the bathroom mirror looking at my reflection. My makeup had mostly worn off after a full day of work. My hair was flat and probably dirty. I had on jeans and a t-shirt, which was wet, as I had just gotten done giving Tucker a bath. He smelled great. Me-- not so much.

I figured I had nothing to lose. After-all, I had dated my fair share of losers. I was more than likely going on a date with yet another loser to add to my growing list.

I decided to at least change my shirt and wash my hands.

xxx

Todd says, "I decided to ask Kacie out for ice cream for our first date because it was low-pressure. If I didn't like her or she didn't like me or the date wasn't going well, it'd be easy to leave and it'd only cost me an ice cream... And who doesn't like ice cream?"

Needless to say, he didn't have high hopes for the date either...

xxx

Todd said that he would always ask his mom, "How do you know?"

She would reply, "You just know!"

And I was always told by others, "Love will find you when you least expect it."

Gramma Gadget

If I had to describe Gramma Fawn, I would call her quietly dynamic. It would always make me smile to watch her walk around without her knowing it. She almost always had this little smirk/smile on her face. Sometimes she wouldn't even laugh when something was really funny-- it would just be that smirk/smile but intensified. I always wondered what she was thinking. Never the center of attention-- and never wanting to be-- she was very practical and no-nonsense. She always had what she needed and didn't need anything in excess. She was simple, yet always put-together in her own way. When looking through her drawers, you would notice a polo shirt in every color under the sun with a matching golf visor. And I remember that for years she wore one shade of lipstick-- a lipstick in a emerald green tube-- but nothing else. She appreciated the best things in life-- the ones that cannot be bought.

She was maybe the most patient person I have ever met. I can only wish some of that rubs off onto me as I get older! And so smart, too. She was the one person in the family you could turn to for anything and know that you would not be judged whatsoever. She would stick with you through thick and thin-- and never seemed disappointed by anything I did, even when I felt like a complete turd. I can't remember ever being in trouble by Gramma-- partly because I never wanted to disappoint her. That would be the worst. I still laugh hard when someone tells me about the time she attempted to spank one of her kids with a yardstick for being naughty (probably my mother.) The stick broke, the kids laughed, and she called them little bastards. The visual, along with the story and my Gramma's personality makes it so funny to me. Even she laughed hard at that story when retold by my mom.

Some of her favorite activities included reading, knitting, and crocheting. Some of my most prized items are the crocheted sweaters she made throughout her lifetime. I wore them when I was little and my kids wear them now; their kids will wear them someday, too. It will make me happy to think of her every time I see Rocco or Ruby in one of her sweaters.

That's the quiet side of Gramma.

The dynamic side of Gramma was her sporty side. Todd and I used to joke that if she were a member of the Spice Girls, Gramma Fawn would definitely be Sporty Spice. Although short and of a quiet nature, Gramma was a real athlete. When she was 13 she was the youngest member of an all-girl semi-professional softball league. She played for years into her adulthood and passed on the love of the sport onto her own granddaughters-- me and Mikaela. She was such a big supporter and rarely missed a game. One of my favorite memories of childhood was when she and my mom coached one of my Little League teams. We only won one game that season-- to a team we had become friends with and they let us win-- but it was the most fun season of softball I ever had. Gramma taught us the basics and helped improve what little skill we had-- while mom made sure we had awesome treats after each game and each girl got to play equally. I think every single girl went on to play the next season-- some even played in college.

 Gramma loved being outside. When we were kids, she would take Jason and I for what we would call "Nature Walks"-- past the fields behind the house and to the river. She would wait patiently as we loaded up our survival packs and snacks before setting off an another infamous Nature Walk. When we got to the river, we would explore the area or throw rocks in the river or sometimes try to fish. We'd poke dead animals and climb trees and all sorts of crazy stuff. Gramma was game for all of it. Speaking of fishing, we definitely have lots of fishing memories with her, too. She helped form me as a girl who isn't afraid to get dirty. She also taught us to always be prepared. We called her Gramma Gadget because you could ask her for anything-- finger nail clippers, scissors, Band Aids, toothpicks, etc.-- and she would reach into her pocket, rummage around, and present you with the item. She was known for giving great gadget gifts at Christmas time and birthdays, too. Flashlights, pocket knives, exquisite writing pens, head lamps, and more were some of the items we have received.

She excelled at bowling and golfing in her adult years. She could kick any of her grandkids' asses in either sport. In fact, she beat Todd in an 18 round game of golf when she was in her seventies. Todd was 27 or 28. He loves telling that story and is still in awe to this day. True to form, Gramma didn't brag or even talk about it-- she just smile/smirked that famous grin while Todd told the story. Gramma was so excited when I decided I wanted to try my hand at golf. And thank goodness she is patient! We went up to the course-- she introduced me proudly to all of her friends and told them that I was going golfing for the first time. She never got frustrated or said anything negative the whole time-- I, on the other hand, whiffed the ball multiple times, cursed, and stamped my feet. But, because of her patience, I kept it up and have gotten much better. I can't wait to teach Rocco some of the basics on the set of mini golf clubs his Great Gramma Fawn bought him this last Christmas.

Another area that Gramma excelled in was the kitchen. Man, she was a great cook. She is the sole reason why I love Thanksgiving as much as I do. Her turkey was always juicy on the inside and the skin crispy on the outside. She made THE BEST stuffing. And her mashed potatoes were the perfect combination of creamy and thick. I always admired her intricate vegetable trays-- and it seemed like every year there would be an "exotic" new treat (pickled asparagus or something of the sort.) A few years ago, she taught me how to make the turkey and stuffing so I could be the head-honcho on Thanksgiving. She passed on her roasting pan to me and made sure to buy me my own set of prongs and a beautiful platter. This isn't the only thing she taught me in the kitchen-- she also taught me about iced coffee when I was in the third grade. I never knew it existed and thought we were geniuses for inventing the concept. We made batch after batch in her kitchen in "The Blue House" along with labels to put on empty soda bottles filled with the concoction.

I always felt closer to Gramma Fawn than any of my other grandparents, which some people might think is odd because we seem quite different. The fact is that although very different in many ways, we are also a lot alike in many ways, too. For those who know me, you know that I am the epitome of a worry wart and stress about everything. I am a perfectionist. The only person who truly understood that side of me and made me feel accepted was Gramma Fawn. She would tell me stories about when she was a little girl and how much of a stresser/worrier/perfectionist she was. Not only did I feel like someone "got me" and understood how my brain worked, but I felt like maybe there was a glimmer of hope that someday-- when I got older-- I'd normal out and just go with the flow, like Gramma. She recently described me as considerate-- something I don't think anyone has ever said to me and, to this day, the best compliment I have received. She is one of the only people in my world that can see through my exterior into the real me, who sees the methods behind my madness.

But my most favorite thing about Gramma Fawn was that I knew I could trust her. In fact, she was the only one I trusted to watch Rocco when I went back to work after he was born. Together, they made a great team. I loved watching them interact with each other. Rocco treated Gramma differently than anyone else in the family-- including his little sister whom he adores-- he was so gentle and sweet and affectionate with her. I think they had bond so great that after she got sick Rocco knew somehow and made sure he gave her extra attention.

I don't know how to end this blog. I don't think there's a right way. I do know that those who were able to be a part of Gramma's life are incredibly lucky. I know I am. I know I will miss her beyond what can be described in words.