Parenting 101

Before I was a parent, I had many ideas about what I would and wouldn't do as a mother. I look back now and laugh. I laugh long and hard. This blog is dedicated to mothers who, like me, once were foolish enough to voice their opinions about just how exactly they'd parent once their little bundle of joy arrived only later to find out that they sounded like a complete A-Hole. This blog is also dedicated to those who are not yet mothers or fathers who will someday look back, smack themselves in the forehead, and think about much of an A-Hole they were before the realities of parenthood set in. Enjoy!

Labor & Delivery
Yes, parenting/mothering misconceptions start before the baby is even born... with labor and delivery. "Why in the hell is she naked? I mean, come on! At least wear a sports bra or something! You don't have to be butt naked to have a baby." I disgustedly retorted to Todd as we left birthing class after watching yet another naked mother birth her child. WTF was written all over my face.

Cut to my labor and delivery. Me-- butt naked laying on the hospital bed allowing anyone and everyone to partake in all of my birthday suit glory. When the anesthesiologist is a dude and you're ready for the damn epidural, you don't give a crap about covering up. You pretty much do whatever you need to do to get that baby out of you. So, if you're like me, and you get a hot flash that would make any menopausal woman think they're in Antarctica, you take your gown off... and your bra. And you're sorry you're not sorry about it.

Also-- if you're worried about pooping while popping out your baby, relax. Apparently, it's pretty common. And although I didn't do it, I know that it was the absolute last thing I was worrying about when I was in the moment.

Breast Feeding
"I'm going to nurse Rocco for at least a year," I claimed at one point in my not-yet-a-mother life.

Yeah, that didn't happen either. Breast feeding is hard! Between sore nipples (my left one got infected when I had Rocco), leaking, backed up milk ducts, golf-ball size lumps in your armpits from excessive milk supply, getting up ever 2-3 hours, and engorgement, breast feeding in all reality is not as magical as you think before you're actually nipple deep in the action. Sure, the bonding is only something you and your child can have. And, yes, I am a huge advocate for breast feeding babies as the benefits to the child are tremendous. But, I once looked down on mothers who chose not to breast feed their children. I definitely do not do that anymore! It's hard... and it sucks (no pun intended)... and my motto is: do what you can for as long as you can without slitting your wrists. For me and Rocco, 6 months was our quota.

Here's the other thing about breast feeding: your boobs are now purely functional. They deliver milk to the baby. So, if you think you might be bashful about nursing in public, think again. No one-- especially you-- think of your breasts as sexy, perky objects worth lusting over. They're glorified bottles.

Binky/Pacifier
The one item I refused to purchase prior to Rocco's birth was a binky. Why? Because it would be over my dead body before any child of mine would have one of those nasty things in his mouth. Duh.

Oh, now this is one of the funniest pre-parenting moments for me. Not only did my son have a binky, he had several. And I was one of the only people okay with him having it for as long as possible to avoid a major melt-down. We went through multiple kinds of binkies throughout Rocco's infancy. We would rather leave the house without a diaper than a binky, to be honest. If there was a fire-- the binky would be one of the first items we grabbed.

Also-- I always cringed pre-Rocco days when I saw a mother pick a binky up from the floor/ground, stick it in her mouth, suck on it, and stick it back in her child's mouth. Sick! Well... not so sick when it's the millionth time your child has dropped it. I was totally one of those mothers with my kid's binky in my mouth, swapping spit.

For the record: it all turned out just fine-- he ended up giving his binky to one of the calves next door and has never looked back. He can even be around his little sister's binkies without a relapse.

Travelling
The car was decked out in toys, mirrors, and noise makers. The diaper bag was stocked with goodies galore! We had a plan on when/where we would stop along the way for feeding/changing. We were set! Travelling with a kid would be easy-- they're just strapped into the car seat, for God's sake. How hard can that be?

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, how I laugh at myself before I had children!

Yet another pre-parenting misconception on our part was thinking that traveling with a child would be easy. We quickly learned that travelling was completely out of the question. In fact, we don't plan on travelling until Ruby is at least 5 years old. (That's a joke. Kind of.) There is no amount of toys or goodies or other distractions that will stop your horrible mini-traveler from screaming bloody murder for miles and miles and miles. There is not a volume in a car stereo loud enough to drown out the cries. If your kid doesn't want to travel, guess what? You'll need to really get used to being a homebody.

You're a fool if you think otherwise.

End of story.

If you're one of those parents who are lucky enough to have a good traveler, (1) I know you're really lying and (2) Okay, I'll humor you and pretend to believe you... Good for you... A-Hole.

Sleeping
Myth: "My child will never sleep in the same room as me-- especially not in my bed!"

Reality: Your kid will sleep with you. Your baby will sleep in the same room as you, in a bassinet right next to your side of the bed, under an Angel Care breathing system bleeping every 30 seconds, with a lamp on so you can see his/her every movement whenever they make a peep. Why? Because after your child is born, you quickly realize how fragile they are and how precious they are to you. Your heart will far outweigh logic in this case. It doesn't get much better in time... Your infant will sleep in a crib in your room. The lamp will be the only thing missing from the previous sentences. Your toddler will wake up in the middle of the night--repeatedly-- and crawl into your bed. He or she will snuggle right in between you and your husband. And you will let him/her, because you're so damn tired and you have work the next day. Then, once your child is older, he or she will have nightmares or get sick. You will find yourself, yet again, with a bed mate. The one mistake we made thus far as parents in the sleeping department was not getting a King-sized mattress.

For the record-- Rocco sleeps in his own room-- across the house from our room, all night long, with the door closed, and all lights off with the exception of a small night-light. But it was a long road to get to where we are today!

Food & Nutrition
If the only thing my toddler will eat is chicken nuggets and french fries-- well, he's getting chicken nuggets and french fries. You give in eventually when you think your child is going to start looking like one of those starving kids from Africa. It happens to the best of us. So, when you're not yet a parent, and you find yourself judging those around you who allow their children an occasional Happy Meal or a dinner of pancakes, stop. Just stop. You will be in our shoes someday, too. As much as you try to expose them to all kinds of fruits and veggies, they will, at some point, be in the "gag at everything and spit it out phase." Roll with the punches, stop being a Food-Nazi, and give in.

And, yes, my child has attempted to eat a dog treat. He was stopped mid-bite and promptly spat it out. That happens, too. Don't think your kid is above it.

Every Mother's Mistake
"Rocco is NOT fat," I would scream at Todd, "He is perfect!" As a mother, you have no idea that your baby is fat/ugly/misbehaved/stupid/or any other negative quality. You look at your child and can't think of him or her as anything but absolutely perfect. It's true. My mother did it to me. I did it to Rocco. Ruby will someday do it to her child. Just know that at some point in time, you, too, will be looking back and realize that you were totally blinded by the love you have for your child. To be honest, Rocco's quirks are what now make me love him more. Perfect is boring.

For the record: Ruby is the most beautiful little baby girl I have ever laid eyes on...

Education & Learning
Unless you speak another language, you will not teach your child another language. You might attempt a few signs from American Sign Language, but only after you go to the babysitter's house to pick up your kid and see another kid his/her age using sign language for "please" and "thank you." You won't have time to teach your baby to read, either. You'll look at the books and make plans to go through the material when they can at least talk. Speaking of talking, you're going to be so excited when they can actually speak your native tongue that you'll forget all about the bi-lingual aspect.

Dining Out as a Family
This was never a misconception for me. In fact, I was 6 or 7 months pregnant with Rocco and had a mini-meltdown at the Olive Garden. Todd and I were alone and seated next to a table with five children. After about 20 minutes of sitting next to them, the meltdown started. I looked at Todd with tears in my eyes and said, "We're never going to be able to eat out again!" Then I proceeded to cry uncontrollably.

I was right!

We're following the same rule as traveling-- no dining out as a family until Ruby is at least 5. I'm kidding... kind of...

Bottles
This is one aspect of parenting that I didn't have issues with-- getting my kiddo away from their bottle. That might have been because sippy cups came filled with milk... with chocolate. That's a lie. Kind of. However, my best friend and fellow mother has a daughter who just wouldn't part with her bottle until she was three. My friend was certain that her daughter would be bottle-free long before she sent her to pre-school, but, as it turns out, the bottle was very similar to Rocco's binky-- it was the kid's security blanket. Other mothers would judge and my friend would, for awhile, melt at their disapproving glances. But, I think she felt better after reassessing the situation... and hearing about a couple who were reported to DHS for asking a vet to put a cast on their daughter's hand/arm to keep her from sucking her thumb. Sounds like an in genius plan to me!

Potty Training & Poo Finger Painting
Myth: My child will be potty trained before they turn two. They will definitely be trained before the next one.

Reality: For those lucky folks with kids who are potty-training prodigies, good for you... A-Holes. For the rest of us-- we're lucky if our kids are potty trained before they are supposed to go to pre-school. Rocco has been potty trained at the babysitter's house for quite a while now. They eat M & M's and dance and sing. Then he comes home and immediately runs to his favorite pooping hiding spot, drops a deuce, and now puts his hands behind his head as if he's the utmost relaxed while I wipe the poo from his derriere. Going potty at our house is hit or miss. Sometimes he asks. Most times, he just goes as he pleases in his Lightening McQueen Pull-Ups. Sometimes, if we're really "lucky" he tries to wipe himself after going number two, thus getting poo on his fingers... and proceeds to finger paint with it. Don't laugh-- you might be dealing with this one day. My friend-- as mentioned in the bottle section-- dealt with her daughter almost getting kicked out of day care for finger painting the babysitter's walls with her crap. The babysitter even started charging more.

I have found that those parents who push their kids to potty train before the kid is ready have the most failure. Todd and I tried to potty train last summer-- before Rocco was 2 and clearly not ready-- but gave up when he showed signs that he was more content with a dirty diaper. We will try again this summer. And, if he still isn't ready... well, I guess we just keep on trucking. And buy lots of Lysol wipes.

For the record: we are currently diapering two children-- a toddler and a newborn. I would much rather deal with diapering two kids in disposable diapers than deal with loads of laundry from failed potty-training attempts. The extra cost, in my opinion, is well worth it.

Interactions with Pets
Expect your child to assault your pet on a daily basis. That's a given. But here are some example of pet situations you may never think of pre-parenthood. My mom almost threw up the first time she witnessed Rocco allowing our yellow lab, Tucker, to lick inside of his mouth. Gross? Yes. A battle worth fighting? Not so much. This was happening around the time Rocco learned to walk and we were going around the house baby-proofing every nook in our home. Mark my words-- if you have a pet, your child will, at some point, do something utterly disgusting with it. Rocco also feverishly removed a piece of the cat's poop from his swing set area-- with his bare hands. And it was caught on video. That's what anti-bacterial soap is for. If you think it's just MY kid-- you are wrong. Again, I am taking inspiration from the before-mentioned mother who reminded me that her son has (and I quote from her) "consumed a disgusting amount of dog food." The plus-side: when your kid is old enough for their chore to be picking up poo piles from the yard. Think about it...

Final Word: Most of you will see the humor in this post. If you did not, here's a hint-- this was meant to be very tongue-in-cheek. If you find yourself all huffy-puffy or judgmental, you need to lighten up. It's a joke! (Kind of...)

My final thought on parenting is this: each parent needs to do whatever works best for their child(ren) and their family, free of judgement from others. In the end, it seems that most kids turn out just fine despite their various upbringings and their parents' ill attempts at screwing them up. Ultimately, we want our children to be happy. We do anything to put them first at any cost. We want our family to be harmonious. Do what you need to do to make that happen and don't worry about what everyone else thinks of you or is doing with their own kids. Always remember that you are a great mom in the eyes of your child(ren).

Hug your mom. Thank her. Kiss your dad. Thank him.

PS: They're right-- you will totally understand where they were coming from after your have children of your own.

Writers Note: A few weeks after writing this blog, someone posted a mother's letter to her pregnant, child-less self on Facebook. I think it is hilarious and so, so true! Enjoy!

Jaxon Jace Ray

It's a good thing I'm up a lot at all hours of the night and early morning these days. Because I was fully alert and awake when Lora called me at 4:30 this morning.

"Hi. Are you okay?" I asked. Everyone knows that when you get a call THAT early in the morning, something must be up. And, since she was pregnant, I knew it wasn't a drunk dial.

"Yeah, I think so..." Lora said. I waited for her to spill the beans... "I felt a kick or something and then I started I guess peeing all over myself. I can't control it!"

I basically told her to go get it checked out. I finished feeding and burping Ruby. And I slept for a little less than an hour. I was reaching for my phone to text Lora when it rang.

(Long sigh...) "I'm at a four..." Lora said.

I was shocked! I got up, got ready, and got prepared. The kids were ready, the diaper bags were packed, and I was on high-alert. I was also happy that I didn't tell her that she was just peeing herself!

Imagine how shocked I was when Lora called about 45 minutes later to say that she was at a six and getting an epidural.

"Holy shit! She's going fast!" I half-way yelled at Todd when I hung up the phone. Then, I got logical, "She'll take a nap after the epidural. We still have a bit. I'm going to feed Ruby and then we will head over. You take Roc to Mom's house."

Ruby was almost done when I had a sneaking suspicion that I needed to call Jason. It was about 45 minutes after the last call.

"She's at a NINE?!?!?!" I screamed into the phone.

Ruby was off the boob and into her car seat in a matter of minutes. We were off and hurrying as fast as possible without driving recklessly to St. Al's in Ontario. I sent a text to everyone. I sent a text to Jason: CALL ME IF THEY HAVE HER START PUSHING. Phone rang:

"She's tried pushing a couple of times," Jason said.

"WHAT?!?! We're not even to the twin silos yet! We're hurrying! I'm so sorry I'm not there! I thought I had so much more time! She's going SO FAST!" I screamed.

Jason laughed. I could hear Lora laughing in the background.

I then proceeded to have a very intense conversation with Todd about how this is not humanly possible and how jealous I was that Lora had such a quick, lightening-speed labor. I was mostly happy she was not going to be in pain-- or at least for long! And I prayed I would make it!

Todd screeched up to the doors of the hospital, I jumped out, and (in the words of Forest Gump) I WAS RUNNING! Nurses scowled at me. Janitors looked puzzled. Lora's sister, Katie, was in the waiting room and saw a flash of my pony-tail and black leggings streak across the open door.

Breathless and really feeling that month of bed rest, I made it. Lora was still pushing. Thank God!

Then, the fun began. Well, for me, that is! Lora did such a great job. She pushed for about two hours-- each time she had a contraction, we'd hold her legs and head, Jason would count, I would attempt at motivation. I watched the whole thing-- and was amazed at every sign of progress. Before I knew it, Jaxon's head was SO close-- I threatened to just pull him out myself. Plus, Lora was super uncomfortable, so I just wanted her to feel better! With a final contraction, Lora pushed with all her might... Jaxon's head "popped" out and his body slip-slided out quickly after. Lora breathed a giant sigh of relief. And little Jaxon started clearing out his lungs. It was pretty exciting, for lack of better wording, to see a baby being born. It was truly a miracle. And I am truly honored that Jason and Lora allowed me to be a part of their miracle. By the way, Jaxon was born around 9:30 am-- so Rock Star Lora did this amazing feat in less than five hours!!!

After taking some photos, soaking up a little baby miracle time, and congratulating the new parents, I greeted everyone in the waiting room and announced the good news. Unfortunately for them, I am a rookie at this, so I didn't have weight or length and I forgot to bring the cameras to show photos. So I went back in, took more photos, soaked up more baby time, and congratulated the parents again... oh, and remembered the weight, length, and cameras! Jason and Lora had a group eagerly awaiting Jaxon's arrival: Todd, Ruby, Rocco, my parents, Jason's mom, Lora's mom and sister, and Lora's grandparents. Lora's dad and step-mom came right after Jaxon made his arrival.

Everyone was happy, healthy, and thankful for the newest addition to the family-- Jaxon Jace Ray, the first baby of 2013 at St. Al's in Ontario, 6 lbs and 2 oz., 18 inches in length, with immaculate hair and great lips.